Sermon — September 20, 2026

To kill that pride. Because I'd say, "Go." She'd be like, "Nope. Submit, woman. Mm-mm. You ain't my dad." Anybody else hear those words? "You ain't my dad." That's a common thing.

My point is that I thought that existed for me, and I wasn't laying my life down. Jesus—do you think Jesus came for himself? He came and he was born in a manger with animals. Look at how humble he came into this planet, to this earth, to redeem you, to lay his life down for you. Everything was about you. Submitting to the Father and giving his life for you. People that don't even deserve it, that aren't even grateful.

So he's the pitcher. Man, you don't understand how hard it is. Do you understand how hard it was for Christ, the king of kings, to lay his life down, to put a crown of thorns on his head, to allow that to happen? You know how difficult it was for him to be spit on by his own creation? What's your excuse?

I'm talking to the men hard because I hear a lot of you say, "You just don't know my wife." Hey, say that. Take it to Jesus. Talk to him about it. Talk to the one who was pierced for you, who was brutally beaten for you, who was literally mocked, a public spectacle, shamed for you, for me. Let's talk to him about it. We gain strength from him when we look to him so that we can lay our lives down.

We have a grace to be on the front line, to be drafted for war—spiritual warfare. And if we're gonna be drafted, we go to war. We lay our lives down. We are the ones that stand in front and say, "If you're gonna get to my family, you have to go through me." I'm the strong man that he's appointed here to protect my family. And I submit to the stronger man, Jesus Christ.

Here's the point: I lay my life down for my kids, and that looks like laying down selfishness, vices, hobbies, and habits, and all the things that I thought that I would give myself to. Forget that mess. Christ is worthy.

Love Gives, Lust Takes

So here's how you gauge this: Love gives. Lust takes. One more time: Love gives. Lust takes. The best thing I can do for my wife is to surrender to Christ.

What Is Biblical Headship?

So what is biblical headship? Because now a wife submits. She trusts. That's a submission. She yields. She comes up under his authority. Meaning that he has to answer to God for her. So she submits to his headship. What does the headship look like for a man? It looks like a cross. Biblical headship looks like a cross. You want a throne? Looks like a cross. You want a crown? Looks like thorns. That's what it looks like. It's cross-shaped.

That's why the scripture says, "Deny yourself. Take up your cross." Oh, man, I just need a throne. Hey, that's your throne right there, baby. It's a cross. It looks like denying self.

And I know that it sounds like, "Oh, man, it just sounds so hard." No. You know what's hard? What's hard is divorce. What's hard is your wife so frustrated with you. What's hard is the fact that she regrets having united with you. That's hard. If she could do it all over again, she'd just rather be single. Why? Because I'm tired of dragging you around. That's hard. It's hard to be with a selfish man. It's hard to be with a prideful man, with a controlling man, with a very lustful man. Again? Again? That's hard.

Oh, yeah. It's hard for children to witness a weak, passive, lustful man who's unwilling to put the video games away, who's unwilling to turn off the TV, who's unwilling to follow every sport and every game and every fantasy football, who's unwilling to do that for the sake of laying his life down for present moment times with my family. That's hard.

It's hard seeing a family destroyed because a man is passive. It's so hard to see a woman that's just like, "I just didn't seek wisdom. I didn't know. I didn't know any better. And now I'm just like, my greatest prayer is him." That's hard. That's hard.

And that right there makes me passionate about what we do, because we're saying, "Men, wake up. Christ himself is your head. You answer to him. He is your chief commander. He is your purpose. He is everything that you need. You gain strength from him. He is for you. He died for you. Wake up." That's what I say to the men. Okay? That's how I talk to the men.

Why? Because the whole family is blessed when a man lays down his life, they live. But when a man refuses to die to his old selfish ways, he puts his whole family on the altar and he lets them be consumed. A man that refuses to lay his life down is putting his wife on the altar. Is putting his kids on the altar. He's getting all the wood together, and he's lighting the flame with his selfishness. "May my selfishness live and my marriage die." That's what you're saying. You have to see it for what it is.

But see, when Christ—he gave his life so that we could live. We do the same thing. I give my life so my marriage could live. I give my life so my family could live. I give my life to the greater cause and purpose of Christ Jesus. Christ-like love gives itself for the flourishing of another.

This is the purpose that we're all made for. This is something that we understand. You work hard. You give your time. You go to work, come back home, and you're tired and you're wasted. That's a part of laying your life down. Good job. Well done. You're doing what's expected of you. That's who we are. We're the ones who go out and hunt. We come back with the game, and we're saying, "Hey, this is all for the family." You should be joyful watching your kids eat and watching them receive all the blessings, all the spoils that you went out and got.

I'm talking about, you know, just letting you know when you go out there and work and you do what you have to do and you provide for your family, it should bring you great pleasure to provide for them. Why? Because you're laying your life down so they can live. But it's for the flourishing of another.

Nourish and Cherish

Ephesians 5:29 says this: "This is what a husband does. This is what Christ does. Nourishes and cherishes the church, just as Christ does the church. So a man is to nourish and cherish."

Would you say that? Nourish and cherish. A lot of when you have, like, two dual languages, you get messed up with that. Cherish. Nourish and cherish.

To nourish is to provide. Nourishment is provision. And that could be from food, from shelter. That could be from protection, physically speaking, like you're protecting your family. You're making sure that no one's gonna harm them. You can nourish them by providing for them, and that's a beautiful thing.

To cherish speaks towards affection. Men, you gotta work on this. There are some that are super affectionate. I'm affectionate, okay? I love to cherish my wife. I like to slap here and hug there and kiss there. I love to hold my wife's hand. I love to be next to her. That's part of my love language—it's touch and affection, and I love that.

But she has to be cherished. Meaning that I have to get outside of my comfort zone to be affectionate. And that's for every man, because it speaks to her value. To cherish is to say, "I value you. I love you, and it's not because I'm trying to get something out of you. I just love you for loving's sake. I love you because I love you. Not because I'm trying to get something from you."

Now there's moments for that. I'm just gonna be honest. But here's the thing: the whole point is that God, he nourishes us, and he cherishes us. Okay? As a church, we have a loving Father. And he's good to his bride. And as he loves us and he cleanses us and he perfects us, the scripture says that we have spots and wrinkles.

This is what I was telling you earlier. Like, my wife, she'll say, "Hey, can you iron this for me?" And it's one of those materials. It's really hard to iron. I'm like, "Okay, I'll do it for you." It's the kind that you do this—ball—and you're like, "Here, go iron this." And there's, like, wrinkles on the collar. There's wrinkles on every part of it. Even, you know, the bottom part when this wrinkle, like this—those are the worst parts, the bottom part. It's like this. And I'm like, "Come on, man." And the thing is, every day I say, "You remove..." You know how this is a white shirt? I'm gonna show you the armpits because they're white too. They're not stinking deodorant. And so it actually removes the stink. But, yeah, it's stinking deodorant that causes the yellow.

But here's the thing: my wife, she takes that. She tries to keep the whiteness on the shirt, and so she has these special chemicals. She's got this, like, stain remover. She goes, "I can take that off for you." You know how she's on a mission? You know, when the kids—the first thing they do, they look at mom, and they're like, "Can you remove this?" She's like, "I got it. I'll take it. I got the stuff to remove those stains from your shirt." My wife takes pride in removing stains.

The Lord says that the way that he sanctifies his bride is through the washing of his word. It's words of encouragement. It's words of grace and truth. It's words that are rooted in love. It's words that are, like, very refreshing. These are—that's what we're doing right now. Like, he's purifying us right now. But then he'll—we'll do it tomorrow. We'll get wrinkled again. You know? We're like, "I still need to be ironed out. I need the spots to be removed."

And it's the blood of Jesus that removes the spots. It's the blood of Jesus that removes the blemishes. It's the blood of Jesus that removes all imperfections and gives us grace upon grace, mercy upon mercy. It's his blood that's covering us from all of our regrets and mistakes and failures—past, present, and future. The blood of Jesus is so precious to us. Praise God for his blood. Thank you for your blood.

His blood was perfect, and it was shed for imperfect blood. It's a blood transfusion in the spirit realm where we receive the very blood of Jesus, that's pure, the DNA of God himself, the perfect imperishable seed, the perfect word of God. That blood is given to us by the Spirit, and we are covered by his blood, and we are perfected. We go from faith to faith, from glory to glory. I'm becoming image and likeness. I'm looking like my Savior because I'm pursuing him. He's perfecting me.

But a husband is not lord over his wife, and a husband can't sanctify his wife, and a husband can't provide the perfect sacrifice for his wife. He can only yield to it and lead by example and say to her, "He's your lord. He's your sacrifice. He sanctifies you, and I partner up with him. And may my words be flourishing or nourishing and cherish you. May my words partner up with his words so that you would flourish."

The Two Shall Become One Flesh

"The two shall become one flesh." It's the last movement. The two shall become one flesh. Here's the point: when God instituted marriage, it's for a husband and a woman, biblically speaking, to become one flesh. Even the way we were designed—audio and any. A husband is designed for his wife. His wife is designed for the husband. To become one. United, we are perfectly designed to grind.

That sounds very sexual, doesn't it? But you are perfectly designed for your spouse. But the grinding is to grind out all the imperfections. You're like a choppy-looking stone, and the Lord wants to smooth some things out. He's the Potter, and you're the clay. Guess how—well, guess what he uses to smooth it out, all the rough edges. Marriage. The perfect picture of your selfishness. Your wife will just be like, "Let me show you what you look like." You know? Look in the mirror. You just see all your imperfections in your spouse. Because she is a reflector of you, a responder of you.

So here's what Ephesians 5:31 says, and we'll read this and we'll break this down as we land this plane because we gotta land it quickly: "A man shall leave his father and mother. Why does it say that? We'll break it down. And hold fast to his wife. What does that mean? And the two shall become one flesh."

This is quoting from Genesis 2:24. Paul is talking to the church in Ephesus. Now he's going back to creation. He says, "Look, this is established from the very beginning, and this is God's work, his design and his order." And it says, "Leave. Hold fast. One flesh." Okay.

So when you get married, as a man, you leave your mama. Tell the mama boys: you leave your mama, bubba. You leave your mama. You don't dishonor her. You don't forget her. But you do have to leave in order to cleave. Okay? You have to leave, meaning that your priority changes. Your mom is no longer your priority. Your former parents aren't your priority anymore. It doesn't mean that they're not family anymore. That's not your immediate family anymore. Your immediate family becomes your wife.

Why is this key? Because you have to leave. You have to leave to hold fast. Meaning you're starting a covenant. You're starting a new family. You're starting a new DNA coming into the world. Think about two destinies intertwined for God's purpose, for his plan, for his will. Two people coming together, and a child comes from both DNAs, and that DNA has never been on the planet before.

And if you don't leave to cleave—if you don't leave—here's my wife. She moved all the way from California, Orange County, to Texas, where it's hot. And so she moved all the way here for me. Okay? It was the Lord's will. Praise God. But the point is, she moved all the way here. And then when we moved here, it's, like, what, 1,500 miles away, probably. And so then we moved from Fort Worth to Dallas, so I wasn't quite that far from my family.

But we left to the point where every time we had a scuffle, we couldn't—she couldn't go to mom and dad. I couldn't go to my mother. My father was already in heaven. I couldn't go to her and say, "Hey, let me complain to you about my wife." I didn't do that. My wife was like, "Don't bring it over here." My mom was like, "Don't bring it over here." Why? It's because I had to leave so that she could be prioritized because I needed to hold fast.

This is covenant language. Hold fast means we have a new covenant before God. The highest form of commitment—covenant before God. And so now she's my priority, and us before the Lord, we start a new family. This is now my immediate family—my wife.

Now I have to remember this because my girls are gonna get married someday, and I'm gonna have—this is why it's gonna be very hard for me to say, "I trust you," and I basically give my daughters away. This is a part of the process. Why? So that they could start their own family. And even though I'm here as a support, I am no longer her head. Does it make sense? And so I can't influence, and I can't sit there and try to have my way with it.

This is a new family. You before God, that's your priority. Hold fast. Become one flesh.

I'm gonna be that grandparent. It's gonna be like, "When y'all gonna have kids?" Go have some fun. You're married now. I'm gonna go up to my daughters—nah, never mind. Let's move on. That's future talk. I'm gonna be like, "Y'all better hurry up because I wanna be a granddad." Anyway, so one flesh. This is beautiful.

Look at this. Read this one more time. When is the last time you thought about marriage as profound because of what it represents? This mystery is profound. Paul's saying this is a mystery, the mystery of his will, the mystery of Christ. You'll find this in Ephesians. Now he says this is a mystery as well. It's not an unsolvable mystery. No. It's already been solved. The mystery is unveiled. It's a revelation. This is the mystery. It's so profound. What is it? He goes, it's Christ in the church. That's the mystery. I'm saying that because it refers to Christ in the church. So it's more than marriage, more than a partnership. It's about Christ himself. It's about Christ in the church. This is the great mystery: Christ and his church.

Marriage Must Be About More Than Happiness

This is why your marriage has to be about more than happiness. This is why people think, "What is marriage about? It's just about being happy. I just want you to be happy. Are you happy? Yeah. Are you happy? No." But are you holy? Are you becoming holy? Because it's holy matrimony. Why is it holy matrimony? Because it's supposed to make you holy. What do you mean supposed to make me holy? This is where you practice righteousness at home. This is where you ask to be spirit-filled to be married. When's the last time you asked that? "Lord, fill me with your spirit. Why? Because I need to be a husband." Not because I gotta preach, not because I gotta lead a life group. Yes, that too. But "Father, fill me with your spirit because I need love, patience. Oh, Father, I need faithfulness. I need all of these fruits in my marriage."

So we need the Spirit of God to fill us to be married. But understand that the mystery is that it's about Christ and his church. Remember, we said that it's more than a partnership. It's a picture of Christ and his church. It's a picture of Christ giving his life for his people, for his bride. That's what the Bible calls the church—his bride. A beautiful picture. And he perfects his bride and he presents his bride to himself after he does cleansing, perfecting, and sanctifying.

Marriage Is Not Ultimate

So marriage is not ultimate. It's not the ultimate goal. I wanna just let that land with you. Even the Bible says that in heaven, we're not gonna be given in marriage. So if marriage is your ultimate goal, you're gonna be disappointed. The ultimate goal is Christ himself. Jesus is the reward. Now we get to partake in this. Yes, you're gonna make memories when you get married. If you're single and you look forward to that, make sure that he understands Christ is first for you, and may he be a person that follows and walks with Jesus. May he understand that Christ is about it. It's about him altogether. That he is Lord. So that when you come together, you become one, and it's a beautiful picture of Christ and the church. But marriage is not ultimate. It's not the ultimate thing. It's Jesus.

So if I'm telling you that the more that you elevate Jesus above your emotions and your feelings and your complaints and all of your hurt, your trauma, the more that you submit to his lordship, you'll become the respectful wife that God designed you to be, and you'll become the submitted wife that God designed you to be.

For Men: Become a Servant

And if you as a man surrender to his lordship, you'll get a tenacity, a perseverance, a boldness, a courage, a humility, a kindness. You'll become the servant in your home, and your family will remember you. "My father was a servant. My father was the one who gave his life." What do you think about your dad? "He's the most sacrificial person I know." May that be said of you. What do you think about your mom? "She's the most submitted, most respectful, most honoring. Even when dad's not very honorable, she still honors him, and I love my mom." May that be said of you.

Why? Because God has given you the grace and he's given you the opportunity and the responsibility to reflect him. Christ loved the church and he gave himself for her. Scripture says that as you love your body, love your spouse. Why? Because you shouldn't hate your body. But truly, to love her is to love us. We're one, and I'm gonna love her and esteem her and submit to her as she submits to me. As I submit to Christ, we submit to each other.

For Women: Honor Your Husband

But women, this is your prayer request: "Jesus, make me look like you." This is it. "Jesus, make me look like you." How? In honor, in reverence, in respect. Please, women, can you hear me? Please, please, please, please. Don't let another woman out-honor you in regards to your husband. Do not let another woman give more respect to your man than you do. May that bother you when someone else—a secretary, a coworker, someone else—is like, "Yes, sir. No, sir. Oh, you're so handsome. I like the way you're wearing today. You're so kind. You understand me. You listen well." They're getting that somewhere. "Well, not my man. He says at home, 'Don't push. Don't go to the edge.'"

My point is this: that's not the point. The point is you should make it your endeavor to be the most honorable person in his life, the most respectful person in his life. You shouldn't honor your boss or anyone or any other man or even your father more than you do your husband. That should convict you. Does that make sense? Your man should be so honored by you that he's ready to run through a wall.

And men, may it be said of you, from your children, from your wife: "He's the most sacrificial, selfless, humble man I know. There's not another man that I would honor like I honor father." Like, you honor your husband. You honor him. Men, you should be the most sacrificial person, the most generous person you know. The most servant-hearted. I am the most servant. You should be that—not in a prideful way, but aim for that. That's your goal.

The other day I played a joke with my wife, and we had like two miles left in our tank. And so I had to take one of my daughters to school, and then I went and filled up the tank because she was really tired. It was like six in the morning. I had to get up at 5:45. And so I said, "I'll do it." And I knew they didn't have gas, so I went and put gas in the car and filled it up after I took my daughter to school. And then I came back and I said to her, "Hey, remember, you gotta put gas in the car."

So she's all waking up like, "Dang, I gotta time that perfectly. I'm barely gonna make it. Why didn't..." She didn't say, "Why did you get gas?" I was just playing a little joke on her. And so she gets in the car. She's like, "Where..." And she said, "430 miles." And that little moment that she had of gratitude is what I wanted. She goes, "You blessed in my car." I was looking for that little moment. That little moment for her. I want her to have that little moment of gratitude.

Let's pray. Father, we thank you so much. You've done so many things for us. God, we can't be calm without you. Make us more like you, make us more like you, God. My family, my girls, my wife need me to be like you. May every woman look to you, Father, in Jesus' name. Amen. Thank you, Lord. We're gonna take communion, but I invite you to stand with us. Thank you for your patience, Yahweh. Thank you, thank you for leaning in because I really believe this gonna bless you if you walk away looking to Jesus.

If you need a communion cup, would you raise your hand? Communion is for those that do not have any allergies or gluten. Communion is for everyone. But the other day someone didn't take it, and I'm like, "Why?" And they're like, "I can't have it. I get sick." And this was a true story—this was last week, actually. And I was like, "Maybe we need some crackers that are gluten-free." But communion is for everyone who has put their trust in Jesus Christ. Then he invites you to sit at the table. It's for those who understand that he's the one removing the stains and the spots, removing the wrinkles and the blemishes out of my life. And I can't do this without him. I can only submit to him as he does it.

So if you need a communion cup, would you raise your hand? Would you peel off the layer and the cracker and the bread? Jesus is having his last supper with his disciples before going to the cross. He takes the Passover meal. He takes the bread and he breaks it and says, "This is my body." What a profound mystery they now see before their eyes. He says, "This is my body, which is broken for you so that you could be made whole. Receive my body." So in Jesus' mighty name, we thank you for your body that's been broken for us. We receive it in faith. And Lord, may you restore us in you. Refill us, God. Everything that you went through in your body so that we could be a part of your body, we say thank you. Thank you for the sacrifice. May we become sacrificial. Thank you for serving us. May we become servants. Thank you, Lord, for everything that you went through in denying yourself. May we deny ourselves. Thank you, Lord, that by your stripes, we are healed. May every sick be healed in us. In Jesus' name, would you take it now?

We're gonna take the blood, and we'll dismiss with the blood of Jesus. How precious. Jesus took wine and he said, "This is my blood, poured out for you, for the forgiveness of sins." Take a moment to thank him for his blood.

We preached about it. We sang about it. We're just gonna really receive the blood. Father, we thank you for the blood that makes us white as snow, that removes every stain, every blemish, all sin. Thank you for your blood that provides forgiveness and mercy, grace for us. Thank you, Lord. We don't deserve it, but we definitely receive it with gratitude. Thank you, Lord, that you saw us worthy to give your life, God, so that we could be with you as your bride. We thank you that you laid your life down for us, Lord. May we lay our lives down for others. We thank you, Father, that you were gracious and forgiving. May we be gracious and forgiving towards others. In the name of Jesus, I receive the blood now.

Receive the blood of Jesus. I'm gonna pray for you and we're gonna dismiss with this song. As a matter of fact, let's sing this a couple of times before I dismiss you because I wanna pray a blessing over you. I don't want you to leave here tense in your relationship. I wanna speak grace over you so that you can live this out. Nothing but the blood of Jesus. Let's sing this a couple of times before we dismiss. Sing it out.

Let me bless you. Father, I thank you for your word. Lord, we're convicted, God, because you are raising the standard, Father. You are the standard. Your word is truth, Father. Lord, we're asking for your grace to yield, your grace to repent, your grace to apologize, your grace to heal, your grace to transform. God, I'm asking for grace, Lord, even for moments that are tense, even with what was spoken today, God. May the couples walk away in humility. And Father, would you also destroy every scheme of the enemy against every relationship, every marriage that's here? Would you destroy the scheme and the tactics, all the curses coming against the marriages that are here—the curses of divorce, the curses of separation, the curses of strife? God, would you just remove this? Lord, we plead the blood. We receive your blood over every marriage. God, we wanna reflect humility and love and generosity, the fruit of your Spirit. God, would you fill every husband that's here now with your spirit, God, and every wife that's here with your spirit, so that we would be a blessing to each other and heal each other and stop hurting each other, Father? We wanna be helpers to each other, submitting to one another, Father. In the name of Jesus, we bless every marriage.

Every person that's single, we bless them with grace to have self-control, to walk with you, to see you as Lord. God, we thank you for every person struggling with lust. Lord, we thank you that your love gives, and the love that you give perfects us, even for those that are dealing and struggling with lust, God. We surrender all of that to you. May your blood cover every person. And Father, thank you for the grace in your spirit to overcome every sexual sin, all immorality, and all impurity. We repent before you.

The brotherhood tomorrow and Wednesday, the ladies—there are opportunities to confess. Thank you that your blood covers a multitude. Your love covers a multitude of sin. We honor you, Father.

May the Lord bless you. May the Lord keep you. May his face shine upon you. May he be gracious to you. May he lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. In Jesus' name, I bless you now. God bless you. Love you, Tree of Life. Praise the Lord. Love you, Lord. We love you in this. We exalt you above everything. We exalt you above ourselves. We exalt you, Lord. This place, we exalt you, Father. Yeah, we exalt it in this place, Lord. Be exalted on high, Father. Lord, let's release that praise unto the Lord day and night. Let's just keep that right there. For you are holy. Deuteronomy morning. It's right there over each household.

Thank you, Lord, for divine relationships, open doors. Those that are looking for occupation, for work, we thank you for your favor. We thank you, Lord, for everything that you've given to us, Lord. In the name of Jesus, we present all the tithe and all the offerings to you. In Jesus' name, amen. Can we praise our heavenly Father? He's been so good to us.

You can give in our giving stations. You can give online. However, the Lord provides for you, we give. Turn to somebody and welcome them. Say welcome to Tree of Life. We're glad that you're with us. Welcome to Tree of Life. Welcome. You can take your seats for a few moments. Welcome to Tree of Life.

TUL Kids, this is your opportunity to go to your classes. We wanna bless all the kids as they're going. We bless you. We bless you to be discipled. Make sure to take some notes because I'm gonna ask you what you learned. You guys have a blessed time. We love you too, all kids. We bless you. We bless you. Amen. Thank the Lord. Awesome.

Just a couple of things I want to make mention. Tomorrow, the men will gather at 7PM to train in righteousness, and we're doing groups within the men's group. I think it's an opportunity for us to sharpen each other. Gathering with another follower should be like no other gathering. It should be life-changing to hang out with fellow believers. And that's what we're expecting to see—the beauty of the body of Christ when we gather. Christ should be at the center of every gathering, and the people should walk away desiring to be closer to the Lord. I think that's powerful.

We have meetings:

• Sundays at 7PM
• Wednesday at 7PM for the ladies
• Monday for the men's group
• Wednesday for the ladies group
• Tuesday morning at 6AM for prayer
• Thursday at 11:30 for prayer

Our prayer is that the Lord would make us houses of prayer—as individuals and as a church that would be a house of prayer. Join us; all are welcome. We do pray before the services as well. We're praying upstairs in what we call the upper room, which is perfect for that.

We're in a series right now going through the book of Ephesians, chapter five. It's all about Jesus and how to walk with Christ. We are streaming this live and also streaming in the lobby, so if you need to step out, we'll have that available for you. One of the things we removed from our check-in with TOL Kids is the closing time. You can check your kids in anytime you need to. We're no longer going to close that.

We are in the series "Walk with Christ," in the fifth chapter. This is the ninth or tenth week or so. It's been a minute, but it's flown by. What a blessing! We are in verse 22, and we're going to read verses 22 through 33. We stand for the reading of the word to honor the Lord from the start.

Ephesians 5:22-33

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound. It's profound. And I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

This is the word of the Lord. Let us pray.

Heavenly Father, You have the words that give life. Without You, we can do nothing. We abide today. We remain today. You are the vine. We are the branches. We need You. Holy Spirit, we invite You to speak to us. Illuminate us, Lord. If there's anything in us that's offensive to You, please bring it to the forefront of our minds so we can surrender it to You. Convince us that righteousness is better than our weakness and unrighteousness. Lord, convince us of truth.

Would you repeat this after me?

"Holy Spirit, give me eyes to see what You want me to see, ears to hear what You want me to hear, and a heart to respond. In Jesus' name, speak, Lord."

Amen. Amen. Can we praise Him one more time? Thank You, Father. Thank You, Lord. We love You, Jesus. Amen. Amen.

You can be seated.

What a blessing, going through the book of Ephesians. The first three chapters talk about everything that God has done for you and how blessed we are. He's given us every spiritual blessing. It talks about adoption and how we are sons, how we were lost and found, far and near. Everything that God has done for us and who He is in our lives—identity before activity. This is all the first three chapters.

Then it starts talking about walking with Christ and how important it is for us to be in agreement with Him. Amos 3:3 says, "How can two walk together unless they agree?" Walking with Christ is agreeing with Him, walking in His ways. He teaches us, and I think it's so beautiful. We're now coming to the second part of chapter five. The first part talks about His goodness—that we get to walk with Him, relate to Him, be with Him. And the way it ends, which I like, is with being filled with the Holy Spirit. I think it's beautiful to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Then it talks about mutual submission.

In a relationship, sometimes we think that the pinnacle of life is family. Family is beautiful. Marriage is amazing. It's hard work, and there's nothing more challenging than to yield your life to Christ because you deny yourself first and foremost. In marriage, it's another level altogether to deny yourself and to die to self so that the marriage could thrive. Then family is another level altogether when you have kids. You're yielding, denying yourself. It's a selfless act and a beautiful thing. But if you think that family and marriage is the pinnacle of life, that's not what Scripture says.

If you think marriage is going to be the pinnacle of life, yes, look forward to it. It's a blessing, but it's not the pinnacle of life. Have a family. It's beautiful. It's a high calling, but it's not the pinnacle of life. It's not the highest achievement in life to get married. I'm not minimizing it at all. What I'm saying is there are people who are single, and that dominates your thinking. You're thinking, "I just need to get married someday," or maybe that's not even on your radar. Some people don't value marriage. You should. Some people fantasize and are infatuated by marriage, and it's maybe not quite what you think.

I've been married for twenty-two years, coming in October. I've been with my wife for twenty-five years. I will tell you right now, it's not what I thought. That's not to say it's bad. It's just not what I thought. Not to think less of it, but to have the proper perspective.

Here's the thing: Scripture talks about more than marriage. My walk with the Lord, my walk with Christ, is more than marriage. The Bible even says we're not going to be given in marriage in heaven. So if marriage and family is not the ultimate goal for my life, then what is it? I'm going to break it down.

Marriage as a Picture of Christ and the Church

Marriage is more than a partnership. It's a picture of Christ and His church. There's a greater purpose for marriage. It's beautiful. It's hard work. I love it. It's getting better and better, season after season. I'm going to be honest with you. It's going to get better and better, season after season, if Jesus is Lord.

There's a movement in Scripture in what we just read, and the movement will help us organize what the Lord is saying:

• First, "as to the Lord"
• Second, "as Christ loved the church"
• Third, "the two shall become one flesh"

Most people don't think about this. When it comes to being filled with the Spirit, I need to be filled with the Spirit as a man, as a husband. I need to be filled with the very Spirit of God just to glorify God in my thoughts, in my words, in my actions. In other words, I don't need to be filled just for preaching, just for ministry or the work of ministry. I don't need to just be filled so that I can do something that's hard outside of the home. I need to be filled with the very Spirit of God to be a husband. To be a son, I need to be filled.

So let me ask you the question: When was the last time you asked the Lord to fill you with His Spirit so that you could be a spouse? In that very chapter, verse 18 says to be filled with the Spirit of God—it's worship unto the Lord, gratitude—but it's also mutual submission. It's mutual submission, which we talked about last week. Out of reverence for Christ, we submit to one another. That's a part of being filled with the Holy Spirit—learning to be humble.

The Spirit-Filled Life Starts at Home

Here's the point: it starts at home. The Spirit-filled life starts in the bedroom. It starts in the shower. It starts in the restroom. It starts in the kitchen. It starts in your home. It starts in your privacy. The Spirit-filled life starts when no one's watching, because God is there.

This is why solitude is so key. I'm learning to be with Him when no one else is around. That belongs to the Lord. The Spirit-filled life starts at home. This is so key. It starts in verse 21, when we yield to one another. We read this because when we're Spirit-filled, we understand that it's as to the Lord. Everything is as to the Lord.

As to the Lord

It's as to the Lord. Everything belongs to Him, and it's all about Him. Every part of life is from the life giver, and it's first unto Him be all the glory.

Let's read verses 21 through 24 again. Look at how it starts:

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

I said 21. We didn't quite give you 21, but I quoted it. The word is breaking down here that your husband is not your lord. But you are to submit to him as to the Lord, meaning that it starts with the Lord. As a husband, I'm called to the Lord first and foremost.

Submission means to yield. It means to position myself in a way that I'm protected. When I submit to Christ, I receive and benefit from His authority. He's my head. He's the head of the man. The man is the head of the woman. Why? Because he's responsible for her.

Submission Starts with Lordship

Submission starts with lordship. If you're having issues in a relationship, I want you to zone in. If you're single, this is for you. If you're a teenager and someday you will join and get married, this is for you. If you've been divorced, this is for you. If you're not even thinking about another person, this is for you. Why? Because this is more than marriage.

Submission starts with lordship. Lordship means owner. We own nothing. We steward everything. If you're going to submit, it starts with Him first. This will save you a lot of time, a lot of counseling, a lot of money, a lot of therapy if you get this.

Is He the lord over your life? Over your hurt, over your pain, over your emotions, over your feelings, over your thoughts, over your memories, over ex-relationships? Is He the Lord over your life as a person? Is He the Lord over you as a husband, as a wife? Is He lord over your marriage? Does it belong to Him?

People don't think about this when they're getting together. When I met my wife, I was twenty-two and I wasn't walking with the Lord. I was walking with the enemy. I was selfish, just about myself. But when I saw Ashley, she was a host, and I was already serving tables. When I saw that she got hired and she was walking around the restaurant picking up menus and bringing them back to the front, I was like, "Who's that?" I was checking her out while she was walking. I liked the way she walked with purpose.

When I finally met her, I was making small talk and being kind, welcoming her to the border—well, not like we're from the border, but to the restaurant. It was a restaurant with chips and salsa, margaritas, and all that.

When I introduced myself to her, I wanted to know how old she was because she was cute, but I thought she was too young for me. I thought she was like seventeen, so I was like, "She's cute, but she's too young. Maybe in a few years." She said she was twenty, and I was like, "Okay." I started flexing. I was like, "Can I get those digits?" That's the first thing I asked her. And she said no. The lesson in this is don't take no for an answer because I was persistent.

But when I first approached her, you think I was thinking about Jesus? No way. I was just like, "Let's be friends and possibly, if the friendship goes any further, if you let me hold your hand." And so what happened over time is I wasn't thinking about us before God. I wasn't thinking about the Lord at all. I was just thinking about myself.

Most people, when they enter into a relationship, are you thinking about the Lord? Are you thinking about how this relationship is honoring and pleasing to God? How is this imaging or reflecting Him? When you do get together and then you realize, "Oh, snap. This is hard. This is really hard." Why? Because the crazy in the person comes out after you get over the infatuation stage.

And everyone has a little bit of crazy in them. Some more than others. We are all here because we're messed up. So when you get past that season of "oh, she's awesome, she's the greatest thing I've ever met in my life, she's amazing" to "what the heck happened?" the same thing happens for her. She thought she was marrying someone that was selfless, bold, courageous, and hardworking. And then suddenly, that person you thought was a blessing feels like a curse. Why? Because you weren't thinking "this is about him." You were just thinking "let me satisfy my needs" or "I need somebody because I need partnership."

You think chemistry. You think opposites attract. She's beautiful. She makes you laugh. He's funny. That's important. But the devil will make you laugh too. The thing is, we have a checklist of what we want in someone, but we're not thinking about the Lord. The point is you got together somehow, and now you're united. It's about the Lord.

If you're in a relationship right now—whether you're married, living together, or dating somebody—is it about him? Because Scripture tells us that it's as to the Lord. And submission starts with him. If I'm submitted to the Lord, if I yield to him, if I humble myself to him, if I position myself to him, I'm going to position myself correctly with you. Jesus is Lord. The lordship is Jesus himself. So is he Lord? That's the question.

Now you might be thinking, "My marriage and my relationship needs work." Yes, it does. So does mine. It's heart work. Marriage begins to change when Jesus becomes Lord—not of my spouse, of me. Some people are thinking, "Man, I wish my boyfriend was here" or "I wish my girlfriend was here." Some guys that came today came because somebody dragged you here. But you're here. And it starts changing when he becomes Lord of my life. I can't control somebody else. Think about how hard it is for you to change. And then you're trying to change someone else.

Submission and Headship

Scripture tells us that a wife is to look at the church. Why look at the church? Because as Christ is with the church and as the church is to submit to Christ, so a wife must submit to her husband in all things.

Now let me say this. A husband is not the Lord over his wife, and a husband is not to dominate and control her. A husband is not to boss her around and say, "You are to submit to me in everything," because a man could abuse that, and it is abused in certain places. That's not what that's talking about. It's comparing the submission as Christ is with the church, as the church is to be with Christ in all things. So a woman is to submit to her husband in all things as it relates to Christ and the church.

If your husband's asking you to sin, it's not saying submit in that. If your husband is leading you astray from God, it's not saying submit in all things in that way. It's saying as the church is to submit to Christ, so you are to submit to your husband.

Why the church? Because the Lord himself removes all the blemishes. Does anybody iron for their spouse? We iron for each other. She's tired, she's like, "Hey, can you iron this for me?" There are parts that are difficult to iron, but we iron for each other from time to time. The Lord himself to the church provides his blood as a perfect sacrifice, himself as a perfect sacrifice. His blood is perfect for all the imperfect impurities in us. He's going to sanctify his bride, his church, to present her to himself as holy, without spot, without wrinkle, without blemish. He does this in a way that blesses her, the church.

As to the Lord. It's so beautiful because as you submit to Christ, the Lord begins to fill you with everything you need for your spouse. I need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. It's about Jesus. It's about him and everything that he is. So what do I receive?

• Love. Does your spouse need love?
• Joy. Is your relationship joyful? It should be.
• Peace in the relationship.
• Patience. I know it requires way more patience than you thought.
• Gentleness.
• Self-control.
• Faithfulness.
• Goodness.

All the fruit of the Holy Spirit. That's why you need to be filled. When it's first about him, it sets order to the whole relationship. That's the goal.

Christ's Love for the Church

The second movement is this: As Christ loved the church. Why does Christ love the church? Husbands, you can tell your wife, "I need you to submit. I need respect. I need honor." And then the Lord's like, "Okay. Let's talk about you now."

Husbands, love your wives. As Christ loved the church, and he gave himself up for her.

Men really need honor. They need respect. We need it as often as we need oxygen and water and everything that blesses us. We need honor and respect. That's how we are designed. But a wife needs a sacrificial man. She needs a man that will lay his life down for her, just like Christ laid his life down for the church. A wife needs a husband that's willing to lay his life down. It's so key.

Think about when you're dating—all the things that you did to inconvenience yourself for her. You planned dates. You worked overtime. You picked up the bill. You opened the door. If you didn't, this is a lesson: open the door for her. Don't go with guys that are like, "Hey, can we split this?" A guy that says, "Hey, you get this, I'll get the next one"—run. If a man is having a hard time laying his life down to gain your affection, do you think he's going to lay his life down once he has it? In the beginning, he's sacrificing. He's thinking about the next five, ten, fifteen years. He's thinking, "How can I set my life up so you can come alongside me? We can build a life together."

Men, this is to you. Are you the most sacrificial person your wife knows? This is so key. We have been given grace not to play video games, not to be on six different fantasy football teams, not to record every game and watch every game and spend our whole Saturday on the couch and then Sunday most of the day on the couch, not to see how many we can throw down without losing it. We have been given grace to lay our lives down.

What is grace? Supernatural empowerment to yield. What does that look like? I'm sorry. Well, brother, I say I'm sorry all the time. But don't say "I'm sorry." Say "forgive me." Because sorry requires no interaction, but "forgive me" requires action on her part. "Do you forgive me?" "Well, forgive me. Do you forgive me?" "Yes, I forgive you." That's different.

Do you think Christ had to yield when he was right? None of that's true. Instead, he didn't say nothing. He was silent. He took the brunt of it all. He took all the accusations, all the blasphemy, everything that they accused him of. He was guilty for all our guilt, but he was a guiltless, perfect person. He took all our imperfections. So anytime you want to complain about your wife, take it to Jesus and be like, "Hey, let me complain about her attitude." Oh, snap. You died for everyone. Does it make sense?

When you look to Jesus, does your argument stand before the suffering servant and the resurrected one? Because he gave his all for all of us. So we're called to do the same thing, and that's to apologize even when we think we're right. Who cares? Is the relationship right? This is hard. It's harder when pride gets in the middle of us and we're miles apart and we live in the same house. It's harder when I'm like, "I'm sleeping on the couch," and she's like, "Go ahead. I sleep better without you anyway." She really doesn't. She actually sleeps better with me.

Love gives. Love gives, it doesn't take. I'm reminding you of this because this is how you know that if you want to be a blessing and sacrificially give your life, it starts with the attitude. It starts with words. It starts with action. It's all the above.

Headship is not dominance. It's cross-shaped. You want a throne? It looks like a cross. We were at an antique store and saw these two big chairs that looked like thrones. I've seen those in churches, and I'm like, "That's sad." Imagine having two big thrones up here. Some people think, "I'm the king of the house." Well, the king that I serve gave his life. And the crown that he wore is the crown of thorns. That's what headship looks like. It looks like Jesus Christ. That's what it looks like. It's that simple.

Every time I've come before the Lord and I'm like, "Okay, as Christ loved the church, I must lay my life down," you know what that looks like for me? Confessing. Going to other men and saying, "Hey, I'm bringing this because I need to get healed." Denying myself. I don't care if the pastor looks at me different or the brother that I'm accountable to looks at me different. I want Christ to be glorified in my life, so there's not going to be any darkness or nothing hidden. It's going to all be exposed. I'm coming before someone else and yielding myself. That's what it looks like to deny yourself. It looks like repentance. It looks like a servant's heart. It looks like serving your spouse. Instead of being the one that eats first, why not be the last? Why don't we shift it a little bit?

My uncles are going to get on to me. That's not how we do it in our family. The men sit there and wait to be served. I get it. You work all day. I think a man needs to be honored when he gets home. I do think that's necessary. But a woman works too. Ladies, you were supposed to say, "Man, missed your opportunity right there."

A wife's job is her own thing. Wives, submit to your husband. I'm just playing.

Husbands, Christ-like love gives itself for the flourishing of another. Let me ask you this question: Since you got with your spouse, with your girlfriend, is she flourishing? Is her life better? Is she better because she's with you? I have these conversations with my girls, and I'm like, "If he's not a blessing to you, it's only the opposite. It's a curse."

The most important relationship in your life, once you grow, is that with your spouse. So if a person doesn't bless your life, they're only going to curse it.

Wives, is your husband better off because of you? He would starve to death. Most women are more sacrificial than men because they've had babies. To have a child is the most sacrificial thing you can do. To give your body for the blessing and flourishing of another, your child. It's one of the most sacrificial things you can do that's on display. When I watch my children's mother, our children, I love that because it looks like God. When I'm on the couch doing nothing and she's around doing everything, I look like the devil. We have our moments of rest. We get that. The point is this: It's never attractive to a woman to see a man who is inactive and passive.

**Ephesians 5:29 says this: to nourish and cherish. We hardly ever use that word—cherish—because it's hard to say. Just as Christ does the church. To nourish and cherish. What's the difference in these two words?

In order to flourish, we have to have these two things happen because this is what the church does. It flourishes like a garden, like the Garden of Eden, like a paradise, a delightful place unto the Lord. We should be flourishing in this place. You can't help but be planted in the house of the Lord so you can flourish, so you can be around the body of the church, brothers and sisters. We could flourish. Your relationship should be flourishing.

We've been married twenty-two years. Our marriage should be flourishing. We should nourish and cherish. What does that mean? To nourish is to provide. I provide spiritually, emotionally, and physically. God's the one who ultimately provides spiritually, but I have to provide that covering. I provide physically. I'm out there working, giving my life. My wife does it too. She works as well, but we nourish each other.

But to cherish is something altogether different. That means to give affection. That speaks to her worth. We are to be presented before God as holy and in splendor, to glorify him. To cherish your spouse is to be affectionate. I know some men that want to hold a hand, they want to hug the waist. My dad was that way. When my mom would walk by, he would be affectionate. It didn't mean sexual touch. It means nonsexual touch and affection. To cherish is to see the value and to call that value out of her.

Think about what the Lord does. He says, "You're my son. You're my daughter. You're beautiful. You're holy. You're a saint." The Lord speaks life to us, and then he says, "Partner up with me and speak life to your spouse."

The Two Shall Become One Flesh

The two shall become one flesh. What drew me to my wife is the fact that we're different. She's more of a social butterfly, and I'm introverted. I prefer solitude. She's extroverted. And the opposites is what brought us together. But then the whole time, I'm trying to make her like me, and in a way, she's trying to make me like her. That's not what it means to become one.

A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. Becoming one is an act of God. The reason why becoming one is so important is because it images God. Male and female, both made in the image of God, in his image and likeness. When we come together, we're supposed to reflect him.

Let's break that down:

• Leave
• Hold fast
• One flesh

When my daughters get married, they're leaving us. I'm still their father, but they're now starting a new family. We are no longer their immediate family. Their husband becomes their immediate family. I'm truly going to give my daughters away to a man.